


The First Ever Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie Parody - Film One

by yoneld



Series: The First Ever Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie Parody [1]
Category: Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series - Jeff Kinney
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-08
Updated: 2014-05-08
Packaged: 2018-01-24 00:47:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1585547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoneld/pseuds/yoneld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because no one's ever done it before. Includes many references to my eight-grade year (WARNING TO EVERYONE I KNOW), Rowley being a much better person than Greg, and me glaring daggers at bullies which impale some random internal organ of theirs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh FINALLY AN ORIGINAL PRANK

Disclaimer: I do not own the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any other film/book in the series, or Harry Potter.

~We now present you… commercials~

20th Century Fox Logo: I AM AS MUCH MORE LOUD AND ANNOYING THAN THE WB LOGO AS EVER.

Celebrating 75 Years logo: 20TH CENTURY FOX STARTED IN 1935. JSYK. *becomes a Diary of a Wimpy Kid-style drawing*

Diary: Why yes, I am Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

Celebrating 75 Years logo: Do I look like a wimpy kid to you?

Diary: Fine, I'm Diary of a Film Company. Also, it's September.

Darryl F. Zanuck: Yeah, it's 1934. I think we should merge our company with Fox. It -

Diary: Look, I may have the 20th Century Fox Celebrating 75 Years logo on my cover, but I'm still Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Also, shouldn't it be mid-August? Because most public  
schools in America start in late August, not mid-September.

Rodrick: Yeah, I don't care. Imma pull an entirely original prank now. At least our filmmakers can keep people as ginomongous jerks, and not just as typical bullies.

Sirius Black and James Potter: Don't blame us, blame Steve Kloves!

Rodrick: Sure. And for those of you who haven't read yoneld's Harry Potter parody, ginomongous is a combination of ginormous and humongous.

Parody readers: The prank?

Rodrick: Oh yes, the prank. Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Zachary Gordon, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Wimpy Kid, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg -

Greg: I can't hear you, I'm sleeping.

Rodrick: Oh, screw it. GREG!

Harry Potter fans: Yay! This movie will actually be canon, if the beginning is any indication!

Filmmakers: LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Greg: The hell is going on?

Rodrick: School!

Greg: But it's mid-August!

Rodrick: So why have Mom and Dad been calling you for an hour?

Greg: I couldn't hear them, I was sleeping.

Rodrick: Whatever, you're still gonna be late. And just when you're starting middle school, too…

Greg: Huh? *looks over at alarm clock*

Alarm clock: Sorry about that, Greg, but Rodrick made me say it's eight o'clock.

Greg: Oh, okay then - wait, what?

Rodrick: NOTHING! *glares at the alarm clock*

Soundtrack: Let me now trick the movie watchers by making them think it really is morning.

Book readers: Wait, that's not right… we saw right through Rodrick in the book!

Greg: Okay… so why was I still sleeping?

yoneld: Looks like the filmmakers have decided to keep Greg's extreme naivety in. I can't believe he even fell for it in this version, and so much more with the book version. I mean, seriously, even RODRICK couldn't sleep through the entire summer. He was kind of obvious about it. And in this version, there is no way he would have gone to sleep late on the night before school started. I remember waking up earlier than I was supposed to on the first day of school, especially when it was a new school.

Greg: I know, right? It's ridiculous – wait, what?

Rodrick: Hello? I'm, like, still here and stuff?

Greg: So why was I sleeping?

Rodrick: Because you didn't listen to Mom and Dad and played your DSi until late or something like that.

Greg: Do I even have a DSi?

Rodrick: Book Three seems to be hinting at that. Anyways, Mom figured that out, and she's about to explode. She told me to get you while she conveniently waits in the car so that  
you don't see she's still sleeping. Now move it, idiot!

Greg: Whoa, okay, calm down, man – wait, what?

 

Rodrick: Move it!

Greg: But I just heard you say that Mom is –

Rodrick: YOU HEARD NOTHING!

Greg: Okay, I don't have time to get dressed here! I have to get dressed while I'm eating and getting my schoolbag ready, because that always works so well! Also, notice how I conveniently forgot to look at the window.

~And now we cut to the kitchen. When are they going to start using decent transitions?~

Greg: Hmm, what should I wear while going downstairs… I could just put on the shirt, because putting on pants while walking is extremely difficult, but that would actually be sensible, and we can't have that, can we? *puts on his pants*

yoneld: Not even in the book.

Book!Greg: *would never walk around with his shirt off unless it's at a swimming pool or something or pour breakfast cereal or milk directly into his mouth from the container*

Movie!Greg: *waits until he's in the kitchen to put his shirt on and pours breakfast cereal and milk directly into his mouth from the container*

Book readers: *explode*

Filmmakers: HE'S IN A BIG RUSH!

Greg: I appear to be great at non-canonically multitasking. Let me now non-canonically pour milk directly into my mouth while getting my school bag. *non-canonically pours milk directly into his mouth while getting his school bag*

Filmmakers: It's all about the ru-

Audience: OMG WE KNOW THE RUSH ALREADY!

Greg: And now I'll shove sugar into my mouth while checking my hair. *shoves sugar into his mouth while checking his hair*

yoneld's sisters: *laugh particularly hard at that one*

Greg: NO MORE MULTITASKING! *ties his shoelace without multitasking*

Chair: Yeah no.

Frank: I WILL BASH YOUR BRAIN OUT WITH THIS PLASTIC BROOM!

Greg: Whoa, calm down, Dad!

Frank: Oh, it's you. The hell are you doing? And how did I get here so fast?

Greg: Maybe you just heard the other noises and got here just now.

Frank: I still don't know what the hell you're doing.

Greg: I thought you've been calling me for an hour! I was getting ready for - *finally looks at the window*

Owl: Ana mutafaja' 'an la 'alhamto korus Harry Potter. Eida, la tatallabuni lemadha 'ana yutahhadeth bel-arabiya. *glares at yoneld*

yoneld: What? I had to make you speak some language!

Frank: *there is no way I can top that line* School doesn't start in two weeks! And FYI, school doesn't start at four o'clock in the morning! Now, you woke up your baby brother, and if he doesn't go back to sleep –

yoneld: Trust me, toddlers sleep through everything.

Susan and Manny: TIMING!

Book readers: Okay… not exactly what we were imagining for Manny, but then again, I don't think you can find anyone who looks like Manny.

Frank: Hi, guys!

Susan: Good luck trying to get him back to sleep. I wanted to sleep till six.

Manny: BUBBY!

Audience: D'aww…

Susan: Greg, what are you doing up making all this racket?

Greg: I think it may have been Rodrick. I mean, I specifically remember setting my alarm clock to the right time, so he must have changed my clock, and I know for a fact he woke me up! Also, I appear to be confused.

~And of course Rodrick is faking sleeping~

Frank: Changed your clock, my foot.

Greg: But I swear –

Susan: I don't want to hear it.

Greg: But –

Susan: Just do what I'm about to do: get out of here! *gets out of here with Manny*

Frank: *sniffs the air* Even I, with my dog-like sense of smell, cannot find the source of this horrible smell. *also gets out of here*

Rodrick: *smiles* Oh, it's totally me.

Greg: The smell or the changing my clock?

Rodrick: Both.

Greg: You're a big jerk, you know that?

Rodrick: Why thank you. *turns into paper*

Greg: What am I going to do with this guy? *also turns into paper*

~And the title sequence begins. Pay close attention, we're going to have the same title sequence format in the next movies, too~

Review or you will start speaking in random languages for no particular reason.


	2. Teh YAY REPETITIVE INTRODUCTIONS!

Disclaimer: I do not own the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any other film/book in the series, Harry Potter, Phineas and Ferb, or Artemis Fowl.

~And the title sequence begins. At least this thing has a title sequence, unlike the Harry Potter movies~

Greg: I'm just sighing, nothing to see here.

~Page 21~

Manny: BUBBY!

Greg: That's my door! And that's not me, that's him, according to the book!

yoneld: Oh sure. Now I can hate him, but in actual movie scenes…

Frank and Susan: D'aww!

FOX 2000 PICTURES: *presents*

yoneld: Presents? Where?

FOX 2000 PICTURES: THIS MOVIE!

yoneld: Huh, didn't remember the titles in the book. Or that drawing being there.

Greg: I DON'T CARE. *slaps Rowley in the face*

Rowley: OW MY NOSE.

Greg: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PRANK. I AM SUCH A GREAT FRIEND.

~Page 38~

FOX 2000 PICTURES: THIS IS THE PRESENT!

yoneld: You call a COLOR FORCE production, a present?

FOX 2000 PICTURES: YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL YOU EVEN GOT ONE.

yoneld: Hey, it's cool, I didn't really need a present right now, I just thought it would be cool to get one. Next page…

Greg: I will kick your truck!

Manny: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Frank: I WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH THIS BRICK!

Greg: I should've known this would be a bad time to screw up.

~Page 22~

Everyone: HAPPY NON-SPECIFIC BIRTHDAY!

Random kid #482: There seems to be a present for Bubby. At your birthday party. This must mean that you are Bubby! OH MY GOD I AM SO INTELLIGENT.

Greg: Actually, that's a mistake. It's for the next-door neighbor.

Random kid #482: FORGET WHAT I SAID ABOUT BEING INTELLIGENT. NEXT PAGE.

Manny: Hmm, what to do wiv left-ovow food… eat it? No, I wood get extwemely stuffed. Oh, I know! I shood thwow it in the potty! *thwows it in the potty and fails miserably* And now I'm a faiwing faiwure made of faiw. HOW WIW I GET ANYWHEW IN WIFE? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

~Page 60~

Greg: Hey, this is actually not a bad show – OMG FLAMETHROWER. IN A SHOW ROWLEY'S OVERLY FUSSY PARENTS LET HIM, AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD, WATCH.

Rowley: I know, right? And it's rated PG!

~Back to page 38~

Greg: I think I'm like, eight or nine in this drawing. I was already extremely naïve back then. Also, YAY DAD CALLED ME A FRIEND!

~Page 30~

Rodrick: I totally fail at spelling.

~Page 57~

Greg and Rowley: WE WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH THESE SCREAMS.

Random little kid #847: I hate the lack of continuity in this thing. You should be ranting about Fregley.

~Page 17~

Greg: DAD! TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!

Frank: BUT YOU SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT YOUR HAUNTED HOUSE!

~Page 11~

Movie watchers: So this is how it really happened?

Book readers: Yeah, but we don't remember Greg and Rowley's headphone game being there. And anyways, Greg should be talking about Rodrick's secrets to success.

~Page 15~

Rodrick: Okay, it's official. This title sequence has no continuity at all. Greg should be talking about the Cheese Touch.

Frank: Well, at least your underwear is not on the table.

Rodrick: That's true.

~INTRO!1111111111111111(%^$^85798935946598678^*(%*%*&3495Q7457PIZZA3957~

Diary: I AM A DIARY, NOT A JOURNAL.

Of a Wimpy Kid: Don't forget you're the DIARY of a Wimpy Kid.

Rodrick: MOM! Greg is making a title sequence!

Greg: HAND!

Of a Wimpy Kid: NO! DON'T PICK UP THE DIARY!

Greg: *picks up the diary*

Of a Wimpy Kid: I NEVER SAW BELARUS!

Greg: I DON'T CARE. So let me get something straight. I AM OBVIOUSLY SHOOTING IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN. Also, this is a JOURNAL, not a diary. And notice how I point at it.

Diary: Actually, I'm a diary, not a journal.

Greg: O RLY?

Diary: YAH RLY.

Greg: *looks at the cover* Guess you're right. Well, as Supreme Lord of the English Language, I declare that the word diary's pronunciation is hereby changed from diary to journal.

Diary: THE SPELLING RULES OF ENGLISH DO NOT WORK LIKE THAT!

Greg: Do you even know the spelling rules of English?

Diary: Um… no.

Greg: Well, THERE ARE NONE. I can do whatever I want!

Diary: This coming from the guy who couldn't spell "acquaintance" at age 12, while some French teenager could.

Greg: You know you're really starting to annoy me.

Diary: Fine! I'll tell Rodrick that he doesn't have to scrub the toilet on Saturdays anymore.

Greg: Where'd you get that from?

Diary: The original version of me.

Greg: I hate my life.

Pete, Wade, and Carter: We can happily help you there.

Greg: On second thought…

Diary: Hem, hem.

yoneld: AAAAAAAAAAH! UMBRIDGE!1&*%#$%&SANDWICH#*(%^ ~4

Greg: Oh, right. So yeah, I know it says diary, but as they say, don't judge a book by its cover. It's still a journal.

Diary: I hate my life.

Greg: You will sell billions of copies when I'm done with you.

Diary: I love my life!

Greg: You're still a journal.

Book!Greg: But when Mom went out to buy this thing, I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say "diary" on it.

Movie!Greg: But when Mom went out to buy thing, I specifically TOLD her, not to get one that said "diary" on it.

yoneld: Seriously, what is wrong with his inflection?

Greg: Well, that shows two things. One: Mom has a horrible memory.

yoneld: Hey, I've got an even worse memory.

Greg: Two: Mom has no idea about kids my age. Let me show you an example:

~And now Greg is paper again~

Random bully #746: I am instantly judging a book by its cover. *punches Greg in the gut*

Greg: It's cool, I didn't need that diaphragm anyways.

yoneld: Why am I suddenly reminded of my own school experience?

~Now, back to the actual intro~

Greg: The only reason I'm actually writing in a book that says "diary" in a school with a bunch of people who judge books by their covers, is because I could use this as my autobiography. And get out of annoying interviews and stuff. You know, when I'm rich and famous.

~And we cut off Greg's monologue yet again~

Every single journalist ever: YAY A RICH AND FAMOUS PERSON WE CAN ANNOYINGLY INTERVIEW!

Random male journalist #57,289: Gregory, tell us about your childhood!

Greg: Dude. Mike. Get one.

Random female journalist #83,966: Did you always get all the ladies? *bats eyelashes*

Greg: *taps mike* Here's my journal, now GET OUT.

yoneld: What a nice guy.

Random journalist #98,689: I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WE WORSHIP YOU AND THE GROUND YOU WALK ON.

~And another fantasy~

Greg: I rule. Also, I have posters all over Times Square.

Susan: Our boy is all over Manhattan!

Frank: I know, right? I can't believe I ever did anything that he didn't approve of!

~EARTH TO GREG!~

Greg: Right. So this wasn't my idea, it was Mom's. She wants me to write down how I feel about starting middle school. But I'm going to be fine.

yoneld: Not if you're in Israel, you're not. Now, if you're in Palo Alto, California, you'll be more than fine.

Greg: But I'm not in Palo Alto, California or in Israel. I'm in Plainview, New York. But I expect to survive. Now, Rowley Jefferson, my bestest friendly-friend… he'll be killed by the end of first period. Let me give you an example:

~I hope this really did happen~

Rowley: Geronimo!

Kindergarteners/First graders: YAY A FIFTH/SIXTH GRADER HAS JOINED US WE ARE BIG KIDS THIS IS AWESOME I WANT SOME PRETZELS.

~Now back to Greg's monologue~

Greg: He's basically a five-year-old trapped in an eleven-going-on-twelve-year-old body.

~And he has evidence to back that up~

Rowley: I'm still convinced this is actually Santa Claus and not just a random guy at a theme park dressed like Santa.

Artemis Fowl: Actually, I believe this is San D'Klass in disguise.

~But this is about Greg, not Rowley~

Greg: I'm totally breaking the fourth wall here. I knew they'd make a movie about my life and I know I'm in a movie.

Entertainment magazines: YAY THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT GREG HEFFLEY'S LIFE.

Greg: But why did they have to start at the worst point in my life? Seriously, who would want to watch a movie about some kid in middle school who's stuck with a bunch of moronic imbeciles?

~Everyone has to see the moronic imbeciles!~

Chris Hosey and Lionel James: Our names are never given in this version, but WE ARE MORONIC IMBECILES AND PROUD OF IT.

Greg: *facepalm* Huh, don't remember saying these lines right now

~And the actual movie begins~

Review or you will be stuck in middle school with a bunch of moronic imbeciles.


	3. Teh AND ENTER THE FAMILY

Disclaimer: I do not own the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid, or any other film/book in the series, The Fairly OddParents, James Potter, Phineas and Ferb, or my eighth-grade B'ne Aqiva play.

~Our story begins here. Greg is an average boy that no one understands. Mom and Dad and Vicky are always giving him commands – oh wait, that's not it. Every parody, same thing, eh? Ah, well. Greg is an eleven-year-old boy who lives in… where does he live? According to the movie, it's Plainview, but movies can't be trusted~

Greg: Zzzzzzzzzzz…

Alarm clock: Good morning, Greg! I'm pretty sure I'm set to the right time, but why you would want to wake up at seven o'clock in the morning is completely and –

Greg: Shut up, you. *hits it*

Alarm clock: Violence is never a good solution. *shuts up*

Greg: Ew, what did I eat last night? My breath tastes horrible! But how can I be sure the clock is set to the right time?

yoneld: You're seriously checking that it's actually morning?

Greg: Well, after the prank I just fell for…

yoneld: Once, I woke up in the middle of the night and didn't check the window, so I thought it was morning and I started getting dressed for school. But then it turned out to be 12:30 AM, so I went back to sleep, but I still don't check the window when I wake up. Well, sometimes I do, but it's only to see what the weather is like.

Greg: Not even when you wake up from a nightmare?

yoneld: No, I just check my watch.

Greg: Ah yes, but didn't the opening scene just show you that time-telling devices may be unreliable?

yoneld: Yes, but I'm talking about a watch. No one would've taken it off my hand in the middle of the night and set it to a random hour.

Pigeons: WE AGREE! *chirp*

~Looks like he's convinced that it's the right time~

Greg: I have a bad case of pillow hair. *tries to straighten it out and fails miserably*

yoneld: That's nothing compared to what MY hair looks like at any given moment. You should be thankful that you have straight hair.

Greg: Yeah, yeah, straight hair is awesome, I DON'T CARE.

Rodrick: TACKLE! *tackles*

Greg: What was – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Rodrick: Oh, and BTW, I haven't showered for three days.

yoneld: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU MESSED UP JERK!

Greg: *sighs dramatically* There might be less pleasant smells in the world than your armpit, but I am hard-pressed to think of any at the moment.

Rodrick: *lets him go*

 

Greg: That was the most horrifying experience in my life and I will never recover from it. *wipes mouth*

Rodrick: That was fun. Let's do it again!

Greg: No.

Rodrick: Please?

Greg: No.

Rodrick: Please? *puppy dog eyes*

Greg: I said, NO!

Rodrick: You're no fun.

Greg: Oh, I'm plenty of fun, but I also have a shred of dignity.

Rodrick: Sure. So look. *cleans ear*

Greg: Do I want to know what's on that?

Rodrick: No. Anyways, Mom asked me to give you some big-brotherly advice.

Greg: What? She wants YOU to give ME advice?

Rodrick: I know, right? But I've been in the same middle school you're about to start, and apparently Mom and Dad haven't, so it's up to me.

Greg: Oh joy.

Rodrick: So surviving middle school – it's simple: Don't look at anyone, don't look away from anyone, don't talk to anyone, don't ignore anyone, don't go anywhere, don't stay where you are, don't sit down, don't stand up, don't raise your hand, don't lower your hand, don't go to the bathroom, don't hold it in all day, don't get noticed, don't stay out of the yearbook, don't choose the wrong locker, don't choose the locker that's assigned to you, don't –

Greg: This is my trademark frown.

Rodrick: This whole fake advice thing is pointless. You'll have at least 187 broken bones, 284 strained muscles, and 867 torn ligaments by the end of the school year. That is, if you're alive.

Greg: That bad?

Rodrick: Worse.

yoneld: Better or worse than the school I went to in the eighth grade?

Rodrick: Depends.

yoneld: Any attempted murder?

Rodrick: ... Okay, that's pretty much the line...

Greg: I so didn't need to hear that.

Rodrick: Well, tough. Also, don't be seen with Rowley and don't be seen without Rowley.

Greg: You know what? I'm not going to take you seriously for three reasons: 1. you're not wearing a shirt, 2. you've just been cleaning your ear, and 3. you kept giving me contradicting advice.

~Wow, I completely forgot that transitions in this film used to be abrupt. Thankfully, the Cheese is going to come in soon~

Greg: I'm still a bit worried about what Rodrick just told me – YAY TOAST.

Rodrick: Didn't know you're a cannibal.

Greg: I don't follow you.

Rodrick: You're toast.

Greg: *goes green in the face*

Manny: I fink I'm one of ve onwy fwee-yeaw-owds in ve wowd vat awen't potty-twained. And I cowtainwy shoodn't be doing vat whiwe evewyone's eating. Meh, who cawes. Imma fowthow gwoss Bubby out. *fowthow gwosses Bubby out*

yoneld: OK, now it's possible to hate him.

Greg: OH GOD WHY. MOM! Manny is making weird noises!

Rodrick: Thanks for the eggs, bye!

Greg: Mom!

Susan: I don't have time for this. Frank!

Frank: I'm sitting in a weird position. Greg, you were saying?

Greg: This guy is totally grossing me out.

Susan: That is no way to talk about your father, young man!

Greg: I meant Manny!

Susan: What's he done now?

Greg: Um… do you really think he should be peeing during breakfast, right next to me?

Susan: Well, it's your fault that he's still potty-training, so naturally you have to sit right next to him while he's peeing and you're eating breakfast.

Book readers: Did we miss something?

~And now we're going to have one of the many flashbacks of the film~

Greg: I should've had a red light turned on when I had to brush my teeth while Manny was using the potty/toilet/whatever, but I didn't. That just shows how naïve I am.

Manny: I'm using ve actuaw toiwet! I AM SUCH A BIG BOY.

Greg: But are you big enough to face… THE POTTY MONSTER?

Manny: VE POTTY MONSTOW?

Greg: Yes, THE POTTY MONSTER. He doesn't like it when you look down at him.

Manny: Being a wogicaw boy, I am now doing ve wogicaw fing and wooking down. And I totawy few fow it. *screams*

Book readers: THAT WASN'T GREG! THAT WAS UNCLE JOE! *explode*

~End flashback~

Greg: Something is flawed with that logic. And what about the weird noises?

Susan: He's only three, he doesn't understand it's wrong to make weird noises!

Greg: More like, "I show blatant favoritism towards Manny so I'm just going to ignore it as usual".

Susan: Yes, that too. But if you say you're sorry, you won't have to sit next to him anymore.

Greg: It's his fault, he fell for it. And anyways, it was a joke.

Susan: But you tricked him. Well, enough of that. *kisses him on the head* We don't want to be late for your first day of middle school.

Greg: I GIVE YOU MY TRADEMARK FROWN. YOU TOO, MANNY.

Manny: Anyfing to annoy you, Bubby.

~Next chapter starts with a deleted scene~

Review or you will get contradicting advice that will end up being pointless.


	4. Teh YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK HE WANTS YOU TO WALK HIM IN

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any other film or book in the series, or Harry Potter.

~Yay deleted scenes! I love how every deleted scene starts with the beginning of that scene being taped to the diary - ~

Greg: It's not a diary, it's a journal!

~Okay, fine, journal, and then peeling off and zooming in… yeah, Imma just parody it for you guys~

Noticeboard: *is obviously trying desperately to make the school slightly appeal to its students. Nice try, guys*

Greg's evil voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!: After having my head dunked into the toilet by Rodrick, my video games destroyed by Manny, and most of my Twisted Wizard action figures blown up on Dad's Civil War reenactment thingy, I was even ready to take on middle school. I was actually kind of excited about going to school.

Every single schoolchild in the world: *explodes*

yoneld: Oh, give him a break, it's his first day!

Everyone yoneld knows: Wait… did you just say it's acceptable for someone to be excited about going to school? Are we sure the world didn't end in... when was the last date the world was supposed to end since you know everything?

yoneld: It should be ending right around now. Well, it might be, I don't think it should be raining in Israel in May, but at least my room is still messy. And I'm not saying it's acceptable to be excited about going to school in general, just that it's barely acceptable to be excited on the first day of a school year, and slightly more acceptable if you're starting a new school.

Everyone yoneld knows: *sighs with relief*

Greg's evil voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Last time I checked, there were no toads in this franchise, especially not horrible pink control freak toads.

Greg's evil voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I mean… *looks out of window and sees kids pushing each other around, several of them breaking most of their bones* What could possibly go wrong?

Book readers (and every single middle- or high-school student ever): *explode*

yoneld: You just invoked Murphy's First Law: If you set any kind of expectations, the outcome will be the negative absolute value of your expectations.

Greg: What does that even mean?

yoneld: *sigh* You know what an absolute value is?

Greg: Yes...

yoneld: So a negative absolute value is the same, only everything's negative instead of positive.

Greg: Okay... and since when are you an expert on Murphy's Laws?

yoneld: Since Murphy hates me.

Susan: Is my little Greggy afraid of middle school? Does he need his mommy to walk him in?

Greg: Why are you talking to me like I'm five?

Susan: That's your age, isn't it?

Greg: No, I'm eleven. Assuming this is happening in 2011, you should know that since I was born in 2000, and this is a middle school, that I'm eleven, not five. Do I look five to you?

Susan: No.

Greg: So there. And to answer your question, uh, no?

Susan: You don't sound sure.

Greg: No, I'm sure. *stares out of the window while everything around him explodes*

Susan: Are you gonna go out?

yoneld: I managed to pause this to make it look like Greg's laughing.

Greg: Duh! *keeps staring*

~Ten years later~

yoneld: So much for going out.

Greg: Shut up, I'm just taking my time! I don't want to be one of those freaks who show up early!

Every single student of Westmore Middle School: *is there*

yoneld: Oh, so you do want to be late on your first day of middle school!

Greg: What? No!

yoneld: It's fine, I'm almost always late.

Susan: Hem, hem.

yoneld: WHY MUST YOU HAUNT ME IN OTHER FRANCHISES.

Susan: Earth to Greg!

Greg: Huh? What?

Susan: You've been staring for several years.

Greg: Oh no! How old am I now?

Susan: You're forgetting that this is a parody, and nobody ages unless they do in the movie. So you might be ten seconds older than before you started staring.

Greg: Whew.

Susan: My motherly instincts tell me that you do want to be walked in.

Greg: Your motherly instincts also told you that I was five. So no, I do not want to be walked in. I'll be laughed at.

Susan: Oh, fine. But don't keep staring or I will walk you in.

Greg: Okay, okay! *gets out*

Susan: *looks like an actual mother who's sending off her son with mixed feelings. Even though Rodrick has already been through middle school*

Greg: Yay, a new year at a new school! I might make new friends, and be top of my class, and –

Susan: I must make a last attempt at embarrassing my son!

Greg: Please don't.

Susan: Imma do it anyways. *honks*

Everyone: STARE.

Susan: HAVE A NICE YEAR, HONEY BUNCHES!

Everyone: *laughs and whistles and calls him a Mommy's boy. Kids are so mean sometimes*

Greg: *goes in before he can be mutilated horribly, leaving everyone who doesn't have the movie on DVD or Blu-Ray to wonder why Greg is suddenly so curt. Whose idea was it to include the sixth grade in middle school?*

~D'aww, it's so heartwarming to see kids starting middle school – wait, did they just say middle school?~


	5. Teh DA CHEESE TOUCH

A/N: It's been a very long time since I updated, hasn't it? *checks* HOLY CRAP I HAVEN'T UPDATED SINCE FEBRUARY. I'll make this chapter extra-long to make up for it – not stopping until I hit twenty pages.

Disclaimer: I do not own the film/book Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any other film or book in the series, The Kane Chronicles, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, I Don't Care by Icona Pop, or Pokémon.

~And Greg walks briskly into the school, leaving the confused people who don't happen to have this film on DVD wondering why the hell is he so upset~

Garbage can: *explodes*

Toilet paper: *seems like normal, soft toilet paper. And they're throwing it around. And then they wonder why they have horrible toilet paper*

Random students #215 and #892: *send Greg flying to the other end of town*

Greg: WHOA not the greeting I was expecting.

Random student #151: DAMN YOU VENDING MACHINE WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME FREE STUFF.

Random student #125: I WANT DELUXE MEALS.

Vending machine: I don't even sell deluxe meals! Just soda! And they'll take that away in two years too!

Highly ironic school motto: *is highly ironic. And a school motto*

Greg: I appear to have changed my mind about middle school. You can tell by my Frown™.

Random student #210: *punches random student #150 through the wall and destroys his books*

yoneld: Replace that kid with a short, scrawny thirteen-year-old boy, and you'll get me in the eighth grade. No, seriously, this is exactly what happened to me. And that was when they were in a good mood.

Greg: I do NOT want to know what they did when they were in a bad mood.

Everyone yoneld knows: END THIS DISCUSSION. RIGHT NOW.

yoneld: Let me just say that I'm not sure how I survived that year.

Greg: I have a feeling this'll develop into an hour-long discussion with many CAPS LOCK MOMENTS on your end, so I'm putting this subject aside. Anyway, middle school? Dumbest. Idea. EVER.

yoneld: In Israel, some schools are middle and high school together.

Greg: Okay, then I'm perfectly happy that I live in Plainview, New York. Now, as I was saying, you got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet and will probably stay midgets after their growth spurt, which seems to be the way yoneld is going even though his growth spurt isn't done yet –

yoneld: That's translated as "kids who haven't hit puberty yet" in Hebrew even though we do have a word for "growth spurt".

Greg: Thank you, yoneld, for enlightening us on what words do and don't exist in Hebrew. Okay, so – seriously? You're shaving at school?

Random student #153: DON'T JUDGE ME. *shaves his facial skin off* OH GOD THE AGONY.

Random student #125: Don't worry, you're getting there.

yoneld: I'm in freaking high school and nobody shaves at school. I don't even shave at all yet. Probably not gonna have too much facial hair anyway, I'm way too light…

Greg: So yeah, anyone who has to shave twice a day – okay, I don't know anybody who actually does, most of yoneld's friends shave once or twice a week. Anyway, anyone who DOES have to shave twice a day is a gorilla. Although that's understandable, because, as I said earlier, most guys only have to shave a couple times a week.

yoneld: *shudder* We did NOT need that view of that guy's armpit.

Greg: *is shoved into a wall* God, this place is horrible. This is a freaking juvenile prison!

yoneld: And you think that because…?

Random student #115: *tears off locker handle*

Greg: Look at this kid! He's damaging school property! OH GOD THE HORROR.

yoneld: *rolls eyes* None of this happened when I was in the eighth grade with REAL juvenile delinquents.

Greg: Really? They respect school property?

yoneld: I don't know – they were too busy trying to kill one of their fellow students *cough*me*cough*.

Greg: I think I'll stay here, thanks. HOLY CRAP THIS GUY HAS A GUM COLLECTION STUCK TO HIS LOCKER DOOR WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM.

Random student #629: *eats 164,316,180,976-year-old gum*

EVERYONE EVER: *dies*

Greg: So yeah, I'm in the 5th percentile when it comes to height. That means I'm 4'4".

yoneld: You're taller than I was at eleven.

Greg: Wow, you must be –

yoneld: - a real midget, and proud of it. Right now, I managed to make it – SOMEHOW – to the 33rd percentile.

Greg: So you're 5'6"?

yoneld: Something like that, yeah. But if my height's settling down now, I'll be in the 16th percentile as an adult. And neither of my parents is very tall, so yeah.

Filmmakers: You see that? Greg's a midget. And to illustrate how short he is, we'll have him pass between two tall eighth-grade girls, who are A) taller than boys their age and B) taller than sixth graders.

yoneld: *rolls eyes* My eight-year-old sister is average and I'm below average and yet I'm two heads taller than her. Get boys Greg's age.

Greg: ANYWAY! So there's this one kid who's shorter than me –

yoneld: That's nice, I have a good friend who's my age and has always been a head shorter than me. On the other hand, I have another good friend who's my age and has always been a head taller than me.

Greg: … I kind of use this kid as a buffer – you know, if I was the shortest person in my grade, I'd get the same thing.

yoneld: *suddenly hostile* And you wouldn't like getting the same thing, would you?

Greg: Hence the buffer, you stupid idiot. *gets popcorn and watches as Chirag gets bullied for his height*

yoneld: You know of any smart ones? Anyway, you wouldn't like having the hell bullied out of you just because you're short, would you? So WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOMEONE ELSE GO THROUGH THAT?

Everyone yoneld knows: *rolls eyes*

yoneld: I SAW THAT! As far as I'm concerned, standing aside and watching, AND EATING POPCORN, while someone bullies someone else is JUST AS BAD AS DOING IT YOURSELF.

Greg: Who cares? At least I'm not getting bullied, and that's the most important thing! The most important thing is me, isn't it? Why care about others if you're perfectly fine?

yoneld: I hate you, with all my hate.

Chirag: Why am I friends wid dat guy.

yoneld: You're not, you just explain the plot in this version, then you hate each other in Film Two, and then you're with him in the Wilderness Explorers in Film Three and sort-of work with him, but then again so does Fregley, so I don't know.

Chirag: In da book we are friends.

yoneld: You're mentioned once in Book One, then you're the subject of a huge practical joke in Book Two, you're seen once in Book Three, and then you stop existing in Book Four. You might come back in Book Eight, I don't know…

Chirag: Tank you. Also, apparently Karan had to work on his Indian accent before doing dis, he actually speaks wid an American accent. Oh, and I'm a year younger dan da rest of da cast.

Greg: Just in case some of you didn't understand that this kid over there who's getting bullied for his height is Chirag, I'll point him out.

Arrow: DING-DING-DING! THAT'S CHIRAG! YOU SEE THAT? IT'S CHIRAG! IT'S AMAZING HOW CHIRAGISH HE IS! HIS CHIRAGISHNESS IS ASTOUNDING! FEAR HIS CHIRAGISH POWERS OF CHIRAGISHNESS! HE'S SO CHIRAGISH THAT – yeah, I got nothing.

Random student #436: Bullying is fun.

yoneld: *glares daggers at him which impale his duodenum*

Random student #162: Can I hug you?

Greg: I'm not a very huggy person.

Random student #162: Come on, it'll be fun!

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: Yes!

Random student #162: Really?

Greg: No.

Random student #162: Please?

Greg: I WILL MURDER YOU. I MEAN IT.

Random student #162: You're no fun. I shall go pout in the corner now. *pouts in the corner now*

Greg: Good riddance. Have you seen him? He's grown his hair! AND PIMPLES. OH GOD THE PIMPLES. I NOW HAVE TO ERASE MY MEMORY OF SEEING THE HORROR THAT IS PIMPLES.

Random student #264: Aww, I used to be so cute! Also, am I really in the sixth grade?

Filmmakers: SHADDUP AND MORPH INTO A SCARY TEENAGER.

Random student #264: M'kay. *SHADDUPS AND MORPHS INTO A SCARY TEENAGER*

Greg: WHY HAVE THEY MUTATED SO BADLY.

Random student #275: WOW I gained a lot of weight over the summer.

Random student #373: How did my hair get so curly?

Random student #111: Okay, that's just not fair, I'm like five in that first picture!

Greg: SHADDUP AND MORPH INTO A SCARY TEENAGER.

Random student #111: M'kay. *SHADDUPS AND MORPHS INTO A SCARY TEENAGER*

Greg: Yeah, I didn't mutate over the summer. I just changed my shirt. No, seriously, look, it's the exact same picture. The filmmakers just copied it and changed the shirt. *goes into his classroom*

Random students #146-#166: Hey, we're not so bad.

Random student #155: Except me, what am I doing.

Greg: I HAVE HIGH STANDARDS.

Random students #146-#154 and #156-#166: Well we're sorry we don't meet up to your expectations, Your Most High Royal Majesty. We'll try to be perfect from now on.

Greg: Why am I even here.

Random student #152: SCHOOL IS COOL. Not because of the learningness – because of the friends!

Greg: KILL. ME. NOW.

Rowley: Why am I so fat? I'm not this fat in the book!

yoneld: Yes you are, you're about five times Greg's width in the book.

Rowley: But in the book he's as thin as the homeroom teacher you had last year!

yoneld: And he's not as thin in this version (though still thin), so you'd be even fatter.

Rowley: I hate my life.

yoneld: Hey, you're a much better person than Greg!

Rowley: I love my life!

Greg: I'm glad Rowley's never gonna read my journal, because I have now downgraded his status to a two-year-old stuck in an eleven-going-on-twelve-year-old body.

Diary: I'M A DIARY, NOT A JOURNAL!

Greg: I told you, I changed the pronunciation of the word diary to journal.

Diary: The spelling rules of English –

Greg: - do not exist.

Rowley: Hem, hem.

yoneld: STOP CHASING ME TO OTHER FANDOMS.

Rowley: Hola, amigo, como estaba tu verano?

Greg: I don't speak Russian.

Rowley: No hablo en ruso, hablo en español.

Greg: Still don't speak Russian.

Rowley: Pero no hablo en ruso – ah, olvídalo.

Greg: This is gonna be a long year, isn't it.

Rowley: Porqué? No amas jugar conmigo?

Greg: *facepalm*

Rowley: Mi familia regresaba de Guatemala. Eso es mi serape!

Greg: Don't they wear those in Mexico?

Rowley: No sé. Donde está la biblioteca?

yoneld: Soy bien seguro que debes acentuarlo bibliotéca, no biblióteca.

Greg: WILL YOU TWO STOP SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN SO I CAN UNDERSTAND?

yoneld: Eso es el objetivo, so idiota estúpido.

Rowley: Sabes de idiotas inteligentes?

Greg: Seriously, you have to stop it.

yoneld: Prefieras si habláramos en ruso?

Greg: WHATEVER!

Rowley: No hablo ruso.

yoneld: Es bien, yo no también!

Greg: *dies*

Rowley: *shocks him back to life* So we just got back from Guatemala. I now speak Spanish fluently!

Greg: So you weren't speaking in Russian?

Rowley: Of course not! I don't even speak Russian!

Greg: So what's that thing you're wearing?

Rowley: Serape, it's worn both in Mexico and in Guatemala.

Greg: Well, you'd better take that off before class starts.

Rowley: I DON'T WANNA.

Mrs. Flint: Everyone sit down.

Everyone: *sits down*

Mrs. Flint: You guys are gonna be stuck in these seats until the end of the eighth grade.

Greg: So you're just gonna keep us in those seats all the time?

Mrs. Flint: Yes!

Random student #152: You're not gonna let us go home?

Mrs. Flint: Nope! We're sticking you to your chairs with superglue! *gets superglue and smears it all over the chairs*

Greg: I'm not sitting.

Mrs. Flint: *turns into a Fury* OH YES YOU ARE. UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO EXPOSE YOUR SECRET.

Greg: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Mrs. Flint: YOU STOLE THE LIGHTNING BOLT.

Greg: NO I DIDN'T! THAT'S LUKE!

Mrs. Flint: O RLY?

Greg: YAH RLY.

Mrs. Flint: *turns back into a human* Oh, okay, sorry. Well, sit down.

Greg: No.

Mrs. Flint: Suit yourself. *smashes him into his seat with a sledgehammer, making him a foot shorter and cracking his skull open*

Greg: *sees floating zebras* Weasels are sick.

Rowley: YAY MY BESTEST FRIENDLY-FRIEND IS SITTING NEXT TO ME and his skull his cracked open, probably should get him to the nurse.

yoneld: It's funny how nobody cares about student safety in this school. When I was in the seventh grade (that was in Palo Alto, California), I ran into another student in PE and fell on my back. The teacher, seeing what happened, immediately stopped the lesson and sent us both to the nurse, who made sure we were okay before letting us go to our next class. My back didn't hurt too much until the next day, when it started hurting like hell, and when I told my PE teacher about it, he told me not to participate in the class, that it's probably because of what happened the day before, and that I should go see a doctor about it. Somehow, I don't see Coach Malone/Mr. Underwood doing that…

~According to the Movie Diary, this was filmed in three different schools: one elementary, one middle, and one high. Also, I totally just paused the movie to make it look like that kid behind Greg in the stands is sucking on his thumb~

Greg: *is miraculously healed* So…

Rowley: *is pouring several gallons of sunscreen on his head* Yes?

Greg: Pretty sure you're not supposed to pour that on your head. Or use that much sunscreen.

Rowley: Do you think I care? *splashes sunscreen into his eyes* OH GOD MY EYES.

Greg: Told you. Anyway, if you had to say where you were ranked in terms of popularity from 1 to 214,594,075,156,810,985,609,831, where would you put yourself?

Rowley: *through a mouthful of sunscreen* Is 214,594,075,156,810,985,609,831 good or bad?

Greg: I'd say you're around the 165,237,437,870,744,458,919,570 mark.

Vertical paper popularity meter: *is vertical and paper. And a popularity meter*

Drawing!Rowley: Yay, I'm right in the middle!

Greg: I think I'm around 1,543. In this overblown figure yoneld's giving us, that's a really good place. And if I have any luck (I don't) I'll get to the top.

Rowley: *spits out sunscreen* God, that stuff is nasty. Anyway, who's at the bottom?

Fregley: I shall now horribly disgust everyone.

Greg: Speak of the devil! Also, please don't.

Fregley: Indeed I shall. *horribly disgusts everyone*

EVERYONE EVER: *screams, according to the Movie Diary*

Greg: So yeah, that's Fregley. He's sent home for eating his own toenails once a month.

Vertical paper popularity meter: *goes all the way to the bottom*

Book readers: Wha… is that Darren Walsh right here at 214,594,075,156,810,985,608,135?

Darren: Yep! It's better than where I was when I had Da Cheese Touch, but yeah. Still haven't recovered.

Vertical paper popularity meter: *goes past the bottom and passes several hundred septendecillions (yes, that number exists) of vacant spots before reaching 543,875,209,475,098,275,984,375,092,437,509,842,750,984,327,520,984,375,204*

Fregley: I DON'T CARE! I LOVE IT! Anyway, I totally have a hair in that – that's not even a freckle! It's a mole at the very least! Also, why do I have such weird glasses?

Filmmakers: TO SHOW HOW WEIRD YOU ARE!

Fregley: I think the secret freckle thingy is enough. Just have me wear round glasses or something.

Filmmakers: WE MUST HAVE YOU BE THE WEIRDEST PERSON EVER. *throw a huge temper tantrum*

Fregley: All right, all right! So… what shall I name this mole?

Rowley: I can't even identify the color.

Fregley: The mole or the hair?

Rowley: Yes.

Coach Malone: *bursts in* WHO'S READY FOR PE? WHO'S READY? HUH?

Everyone: WE'RE NOT.

Coach Malone: WHO CARES?

Everyone: *gets off the stands*

Chirag: I glare at you, sir.

Greg: Me or the coach?

Chirag: Bot. But mostly you.

Greg: So we're becoming rivals one film early?

Coach Malone: SHUT UP, EVERYONE!

EVERYONE: *SHUTS UP*

Coach Malone: I'M COACH MALONE!

Everyone: We know.

Coach Malone: I'M YOUR GYM TEACHER!

Everyone: We figured.

Coach Malone: MY LIFE IS MADE OUT OF PE ALONE.

Random student #264: Which is why you're not that muscly.

Coach Malone: SHADDUP. NOW, WHO'S READY? HUH? HUH?

Rowley: I am!

Everyone: Shut up!

Coach Malone: AWESOME. I'M DIVIDING YOU GUYS UP!

Everyone: Yaaaaaaaaaay.

Coach Malone: EVERYONE WHO'S FIT ON ONE SIDE AND WILL GET TO KEEP THEIR SHIRTS, EVERYONE WHO'S NOT ON THE OTHER AND WILL HAVE TO TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS.

Fit people: Awesome!

Everyone else: Come on!

Fregley: No, this is awesome! I get to have some time with Moly!

Rowley: Moly?

Fregley: Yeah, my mole!

Rowley: I don't like that name.

Fregley: Stop bringing me down! *runs off crying*

Greg: Oh, come on, this isn't the time to be shirtless!

Chirag: He's trying to make us feel bad for not being fit and have everyone laugh at us.

Greg: And give us sunburns?

Rowley's belly button: What's wrong with sunburns?

Coach Malone: SO I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU GUYS BRUTALLY KILL EACH OTHER.

Shirts: AWESOME.

Skins: WE HAVE JUST SOILED OURSELVES.

Random shirt #263: I got random skin #263!

Random shirt #326: Take that, random skin #326!

Chirag: I'm trying to win the game, please let me!

Greg and Rowley: M'kay!

ENTIRE SHIRTS TEAM: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai.

Greg and Rowley: WE JUST WET OUR PANTS. *run for their lives*

Chirag: I ALSO WET MY PANTS!

Rowley: WE WON'T GET THERE! THESE GUYS'LL CATCH US FIRST!

Greg: NOT THEM! CHIRAG!

Chirag: SAVE ME!

ENTIRE SHIRTS TEAM: *makes a U-turn*

Chirag: *runs for his life*

Random shirt #475: *punches him through the earth. He then came out in the middle of the Indian Ocean and drowned*

Greg: We just barely escaped with our lives.

Rowley: LOL, I still have sunscreen on my nose.

Greg: That's nice for you. I'm not playing that game. He's not dividing the teams fairly! It's barbaric!

Angie: IKR.

Greg: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A SHIRT – oh, it's just a girl. Don't do that!

Angie: Oh, shut up. This place is full of stupid idiots.

Greg: You know of any smart ones?

Angie: Well, you seem to have a brain/body ratio above one. That's nice. You don't see many of those around here these days.

Greg: That's nice, mind not looking? 'Cause you're kind of a girl and I'm kind of a shirtless guy.

Angie: Oh, get over yourself. *eyeroll*

Rowley: *does not care* Hel- _lo_. You girls don't have to brutally kill each other! Why are you here?

Angie: That's nice, I still don't like PE. So yeah, welcome to life. It officially starts in middle school.

Greg: Doesn't life start at 40?

Angie: Yes, I'm talking about real life. So yeah, you're no longer a kid, you're no longer coddled although you still have no rights, and kids are apparently sorted by intelligence – and not in a good way. Survival of the dumbest, ever heard of that?

Greg and Rowley: No.

yoneld: Yes.

Angie: yoneld knows what I'm talking about, right, yoneld?

yoneld: Only too well, Angie, only too well.

Angie: So yeah, all your old friends will now ditch you unless you're all on the same intelligence level or lower.

Greg: That's great. Kindly look away until I put my shirt back on.

Coach Malone: GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 4,243,629,437,609,328,750,943,852.

Angie: M'kay. *looks away until he puts his shirt back on* So yeah, in not-so-gentle terms, middle school is a holding pen. That's where adults put you when they're tired of coddling you but don't want to have to put up with you demanding rights since you're no longer being coddled. *looks back at them* Still haven't put on your shirt? I'd have thought you'd have already done so.

Greg: Yeah, I'm kind of dumb like that.

Angie: Oh! I believe I haven't introduced myself! I'm Angie.

Rowley: I'm –

Greg: - very busy and really have to go. Bye!

Rowley: Actually, I'm Rowley and I don't have to go at all. In fact, I'd rather stay here.

Angie: You're welcome to do so. That's how I survived the sixth grade and I wouldn't mind some smart people to get me through the seventh.

Greg: Thank you, we really have to go. Coach Malone doesn't like it when you miss class.

Angie: That's actually what you're doing right now.

Greg: SHADDUP.

Coach Malone: DON'T SHOW OFF YOUR MUSCLES.

Greg: C'mon, Rowley.

Rowley: M'kay. *c'mons* But why? They'll kill us!

Greg: DON'T QUESTION ME. Also, put on your shirt. That way, they'll think we're also shirts since they have incredibly short memories and won't remember that we became skins three minutes ago.

Rowley: That's dumb and so are you.

Greg: DON'T QUESTION ME. Also, death is better than being seen with a member of the opposite sex. You can't recover from social suicide.

yoneld: You also can't recover from death.

Greg: And you would know how?

Rowley: *puts on his shirt*

Soundtrack: I shall now play the cheese theme.

Greg: Hmm, the cheese theme is playing… that means we get some backstory! *walks over to the official villain of the movie, according to the Movie Diary*

Cheese: HEY I'm moldy.

Greg: That's nice. Imma touch it. *tries to touch it*

Chirag: DON'T. YOU. DARE.

Greg: *is a millionth of an inch away from the cheese* WHAT'S THAT NOISE.

Chirag: You almost got Da Cheese Touch.

Greg: Da Cheese Touch?

Chirag: Yes, Da Cheese Touch. Also, yay backstory!

yoneld: So, if these films could show backstory in flashbacks, WHY CAN'T HARRY POTTER?

Harry Potter filmmakers: DON'T JUDGE US.

Chirag: So yeah, nobody knows anyting about how it got dere, but it did. Nobody tought of trowing it away before it became all moldy and radioactive, but I guess intelligence isn't high around here. So some guy named Darren Walsh did what you were just about to do.

Random student #294: DARREN TOUCHED THE CHEESE!

Darren: Actually, my finger was a googolth of an inch away from it.

Everyone else: WE DON'T CARE. *run for their lives*

Darren: But I swear, that's what happened!

Random student #374: Shouldn't have been so close to the cheese then, huh?

Darren: Stop bringing me down! *runs off crying while growing a third eye* Guess I did touch the cheese, then… Hey, my vision just gained a fourth dimension!

Chirag: So yeah, da way to get rid of Da Cheese Touch is to touch someone else. Den you still have da tird eye but you're not radioactive anymore.

Darren: Target located. *touches random student #475*

Random student #475: *grows a third eye*

Book readers: THAT WASN'T HER! THAT WAS ABE HALL! *explode*

Chirag: And den everyone started giving each other Da Cheese Touch. You couldn't be safe anywhere and da whole school was full of tree-eyed freaks.

Random student #465: *now has a third eye* Random student #475 seems to have given me Da Cheese Touch. *touches random student #598, who grows a third eye*

Random students #599-#603: *run for their lives*

Random student #584: *also has a third eye* Now I have Da Cheese Touch! *gives it to his best friend*

Random student #647: *also also has a third eye and jumps out of random student #648's locker. BTW, that's his sister*

Random student #648: Hey, bro! How'd you get in my locker? And why do you have a third eye?

Random student #647: You told me the code. Also, Cheese Touch!

Random student #648: No way! *grows a third eye and gives Da Cheese Touch it to random student #243*

Random student #243: *grows a third eye* Man, growing a third eye is thirsty work. I gotta go. *goes* Oh hey, the bathroom's full of people! They all seem to have two eyes… Who's that in the next stall… *gives him Da Cheese Touch*

 

Random student #463: *grows a third eye* Oh, come on! Not even the bathrooms are safe?

Book readers: Did we miss something? We thought Da Cheese Touch only passed through two people!

Movie watchers: Didn't you guys just explode?

Book readers: Yeah, we do that.

Movie watchers: …

Chirag: And den random student #463 gave it to a German exchange student, who took it away.

Dieter: Man könnte, dass ich würde nicht zufällige Wörter aus dem Wörterbuch nachschlagen und tatsächlich die Englisch zu hören versuchen meinen, aber würdet man falsch sein.

Random student #463: Dieter's got Da Cheese Touch!

Dieter: *grows a third eye* Warum zum Teufel laufen die Menschen in Panik herum? Warum zum Teufel wuchse ich eine dritte Auge? Und was zum Teufel ist mit meinem Handeln falsch? Nein, ganz im Ernst, ich schaue nicht verwechselt überhaupt. UND WAS ZUM TEUFEL IST DA CHEESE TOUCH?  
Chirag: Yeah, he didn't understand what Da Cheese Touch meant.

yoneld: In German, Da Cheese Touch is Die Käseberührung.

Chirag: Tank you. So he moved back to Dusseldorf and took Da Cheese Touch wid it.

Dieter: NEIN! ICH KANN NICHT NACH DEUTSCHLAND MIT DEN DRITTEN AUGEN ZURUCKGEHEN! ALLES WIRDEN MICH WIE HÖLLE ÄRGERN! Auch, was ist Da Cheese Touch?

yoneld: Ich habe dir gesagt, Die Käseberührung. Auch, nur hab es chirurgisch entfernt.

Dieter: Ah, danke.

Book readers: THAT WAS ABE HALL AND HE MOVED TO CALIFORNIA! *explode*

Dieter: Warum explodierten die Buchleser?

yoneld: Das tun sie.

Chirag: So now Da Cheese Touch is gone and you almost brought it back.

yoneld: Hang on… I just thought of two things.

Chirag: What?

yoneld: Okay. First – what if there really is some German kid who lives in Dusseldorf named Dieter Müller? Müller is the most common last name in Germany and Dieter is also pretty common – and Dusseldorf's a big city, it's more than likely that there's more than one Dieter Müller in Dusseldorf. I'm assuming Diary of a Wimpy Kid is also popular in Germany, so anyone who's watched the movies would tease the real Dieter Müller about Da Cheese Touch! And another thing. Dieter took Da Cheese Touch with him to Germany, right?

Chirag: Yes.

yoneld: So, since nobody bothered to tell him that Da Cheese Touch translated into Die Käseberührung and explain the whole thing to him, he has no idea what Da Cheese Touch is, and we don't know who he's touched and…

Chirag: OH GOD. EVERYBODY HIDE, NOWHERE IS SAFE!

yoneld: Just run a DNA scan of everything in the world and the first thing that's been on a person that Dieter's touched, the person who that thing was on would have Da Cheese Touch. Then do the same thing with that person, and the next one, and the next…

Chirag: Dere's no budget, we can't do that.

yoneld: There's no budget for anything, deal with it.

Chirag: Den how is this school operating?

yoneld: There is a budget, it's just that none of it is used for anything that would be good for the students.

Greg: Just this school or all schools?

yoneld: EVERY. SCHOOL. EVER. At least in Israel. And this one.

Rowley: Wow, the Israeli education system must be horrible!

yoneld: Depending on which school you go to. Also, the "horrible" Israeli education system is ranked seventh in the world, so shut up.

Rowley: Who's first?

yoneld: Finland, which has the first place reserved in every international ranking ever. Occasionally they let Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, Australia, or New Zealand have the top spot too.

Chirag: Well, so how are we going to find out who's got Da Cheese Touch?

yoneld: How about checking who has a third eye and not touching them?

Greg: There do seem to be many three-eyed people around here… although the three-eyed population keeps dwindling!

Chirag: Yeah, dey're having deir tird eye surgically removed.

Greg: So you really can't know?

Chirag: Relax, if you try to remove a tird eye when you're still radioactive you'll become a human/laser/knife hybrid with 85,279,843,752,094,375,094,326,509,284,379,857,439,857 eyes.

Greg: Where yoneld gets these ideas is beyond me. And on that ominous note, we shall stare ominously at the camera! *stares ominously at the camera*  
Rowley: *also stares ominously at the camera*

~EDITORS used JUMP-CUT! It's super effective! YONELD is confused!~

yoneld: I totally just paused again to make that guy look like he's chasing Greg.

Greg: Where the hell is Rowley. Also, I have to pee.

Camera: THIS IS THE BOYS' BATHROOM.

Greg: I seem to be horribly disgusted.

Urinals: Yep, we're urinals. You know, of the type that could be found in ANY FRIGGIN' PUBLIC MEN'S TOILET.

Random student #263: Why do I have a basketball in the bathroom?

Basketball: I don't know, but can we please get out?

Greg: First show me how horrible the school is.

Basketball: Sigh, fine. *shows him how horrible the school is*

Greg: *watches* OH GOD THE HORROR THAT IS THE NON-CANON.

Random student #275: IKR. Also, I'm constipated.

Book readers: THAT'S ONLY THE SECOND-FLOOR BATHROOM! *explode*

Random student #275: Just wait until you hear that we shower completely in the open, there aren't even stalls in between the showers.

yoneld: So I was on a school trip to somewhere and there were showers. I don't know what happened in the girls' showers, but I do know that in the boys' showers people just stripped to their underpants and showered. That, or they put on swimming suits in the bathrooms.

Greg: I appear to have caught your constipation. However, I shall hold it in until I get home. *leaves*

~Okay, so that was the bathroom ZAP! Cafeteria~

Rowley: Yeah, that transition was weird. So is that even legal?

Greg: The no doors thing or the jump cuts?

Rowley: Yes.

Greg: Jump cuts? Yes, they're legal. They're used in every movie ever. The no doors thing? I hope not yet somehow I have a feeling it is. Anyway, I'm not pooping until… until I get home, no need to wait till high school, I can lock the bathroom door in my house.

Rowley: Huh. This food appears to be drenched in oil.

yoneld: That's every school ever. No, seriously, I had a Skype conversation with a friend in the States and when I told him that the food in my school's cafeteria is drenched in oil, he said that it figures. What I don't get is how their budget doesn't cover edible food but it does cover pouring 624,398,756,987,324,687,636,149,852 gallons of oil on it.

yoneld's friendly-friend: HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?

yoneld: In Israel? It's the Middle East, nothing makes sense. I don't know about the States, though.

Greg: It's middle school, nothing makes sense.

yoneld: It's funny how Middle Eastern languages such as Hebrew and Arabic have consistent spelling and grammar, which makes sense, while German, Dutch, and English have very inconsistent grammar and English has the most inconsistent spelling in the world.

yoneld's friendly-friend: The consistency of the Middle Eastern languages must have sapped all the sense from the Middle East, while the Germans' hard logicness must have sapped all the consistency from their language.

Greg: ANYWAY! The cafeteria – another word for Hell. There seems to be some kind of popularity apartheid going on.

Random student #364: How popular are you two?

Greg: 1,543.

Rowley: 165,237,437,870,744,458,919,570.

Random student #364: Sorry, this table is reserved for places #1-#6.

Greg: Oh-kay…

Random student #523: How popular are you two?

Greg: 1,543.

Rowley: 165,237,437,870,744,458,919,570.

Random student #523: Sorry, this table is for #214,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and under.

Greg: Okay, not even Rowley's that bad… moving on…

Random student #235: How popular are you two?

Greg: 1,543.

Rowley: 165,237,437,870,744,458,919,570.

Random student #235: Sorry, this table is for #500 and above.

Greg: Okay, not even I'm that good… moving on…

Random student #192: How popular are you two?

Greg: 1,543.

Rowley: 165,237,437,870,744,458,919,570.

Random student #523: Sorry, this table is for everyone except #1,543 and #165,237,437,870,744,458,919,570.

Greg: What – oh come on!

~After several more tries…~

Garbage can: Can you guys lean a little bit less? 'Cause the ginger is kind of heavy.

Rowley: I take offense at that!

Emptied… seriously? They have milk at lunch? Does not compute, does not compute…: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE crap we missed. Hang on, there are people here? Oh hai other lunch items!

Greg: Kindly kill me.

Random students #134-#626: WE ARE LAUGHING AND POINTING. FEAR THE MIGHTY POWER OF THE LAUGHING AND POINTING.

yoneld: *glares daggers at them which impale their kidneys*

Fregley: Yeah, they were laughing and pointing at me. Guess what? I DON'T CARE!

Greg: My wish to die has increased by 294,375,984,327,529,834,750,982,437,509,843,275.

Fregley: Oh, you uncool person. Look at you! You're just at 1,543! Rowley's better, but he's still not as cool as I am at 543,875,209,475,098,275,984,375,092,437,509,842,750,984,327,520,984,375,204.

Rowley: I think it works the other way.

Fregley: Who cares! Huh, it's rather dusty down here… *sneezes fire and burns the school to the ground, giving us a shot of his glasses from the side*

yoneld: WOW these glasses are thick. How high is his prescription?

Greg: *inching away slowly* Probably higher than yours.

yoneld: Most prescriptions are probably higher than my prescription of -2.00.

Fregley: Huh, my hand's on fire. I should probably get that looked at.

Greg: Please don't burn me.

Fregley: Oh, no, I'm not going to burn you, I'm just going to eat these mounds of radioactive jelly.

Greg: Can you turn into paper while you're at it?

Fregley: Sure. *turns into paper*

Greg: Awesome. *also turns into paper*

Fregley: *eats the radioactive jelly along with the tray* Huh, not bad. Oh, wait… *turns into a methane-powered human/rocket hybrid which flies out of the school*

Greg: *is blasted with burned methane* OH GOD WHY.

~Later, at home…~

Paper where Greg writes about Fregley: *is correctly under Wednesday, but incorrectly on the first day of school and next to the first page of Tuesday when Greg talks about video games*

Book readers: *explode*

Greg: The non-canon hurts me. Therefore, I will rip it out. *rips it out and burns it*

~And back to the present~

Review or you will get Da Cheese Touch.


End file.
